Last time I was here I was in a bit of a strange place. Truth be told, the last few months have had me feeling a little off.
Not really knowing where I was going, feeling like I had little direction and not being the overly happy, positive and motivated Stacie that I had built myself to be.
I’ve felt like I’ve been in limbo & that’s really the only way I know how to explain it. As I’ve said before, treading water – not going backwards but not going forwards either.
I think half of my problem has been that I’ve reverted back to old ways of placing so much emphasis on external factors to dictate my happiness. My relationship, job, success, training, friendships & the list goes on.
When you start to feel sub-optimal it’s so much easier to focus on external facets that make up your life rather than to look inward and perhaps, look at your own mindset or own doing.
It’s easy to place the blame on something or someone else.
It’s so much more confronting to look at yourself to see where you are falling short and how this may be negatively affecting you.
I had really been neglecting my mental health. One thing in my life got a little turned upside down and it was a catalyst for a drowning self worth, which was inevitably reflected in my actions.
I started trying to fulfill my happiness with something else & it was a something else that wasn’t really conducive to my needs. It was more of a band-aid, masking any problems I was having and perhaps numbing how I was really feeling.
Let me tell you; when things aren’t great, going out isn’t really the best way to make it better. Sure, it’s fun while it lasts. But putting alcohol and sub-par food in your body and running on minimal sleep every weekend is a sure fire way to make you feel like shit. It doesn’t get to the core essence of the issue and in more cases than not, it will augment the original problem.
Add that to an already upturned happiness level & self worth and it literally compounds the negative affect.
I got stuck in this destructive cycle of feeling lost, going out as a way to instill a false sense of euphoria that lasted for a night, only to wake up and consistently ask myself what I was doing with my life. This isn’t how I wanted to live. And it started to impact other areas of my life by having this hangover effect of feeling like I wasn’t a good person.
Going out absolutely doesn’t make you a bad person but I felt like I wasn’t living a life that wasn’t in line with my values & I felt like I had taken 10 steps back.
It’s okay to get lost every now and then, as long as you know how to find your way back. It’s okay to go through chunks of your life where you’re not always on top and constantly in a state of exhilaration, killing it in everything you do. Because it’s in the times where you feel a little out of the ordinary & perhaps a bit lost that we learn the most.
I’ve learned that when I start to feel a little lost, all I need to do is turn my focus inwards.
Doing things that make me feel connected with my inner self, as spiritual as that may sound, it’s honestly the best way to navigate through.
Yoga, meditation, cooking, walks in the crisp air, a good book, nights in with face masks, brunch and chats, being around people that are supportive and just ‘get you’ and who allow you to do whatever you need to do in order to make yourself get through it and feel good again.
These are the people in my life and I’m so thankful for that but most of all, I’m thankful that I’ve been able to turn my focus back to myself and realise that the only thing that can ultimately dictate my happiness is myself.
If that means sometimes going out with a few friends, then so be it because I’m not going to deny that i still enjoy a rare night out with good people but it’s not the answer to everything.
At that time of my life, it might have been. In fact, at that time of my life I made some pretty kick-ass memories but it’s not my life.
It’s been a few months of whirlwind adventures. Of feeling like one minute I’m on top and the next not really knowing where ‘top’ is but I’m back to a place I recognise. A place of control and being grounded.
A place where I know I am the driver of my happiness and what that is may change daily. And that’s the main lesson that I have learned – that what makes me happy today might not be the same as yesterday or tomorrow. I’m back in tune with myself enough to realise that happiness is an ever-evolving phenomenon and as long as I listen to what that is, for me, then happiness it shall be (that rhyme was totally accidental but I’m going to run with it anyways).
No one is ever really lost because, everywhere you have been creates a path to where you are going.