bikini, bodylove, competitor, family, fit, fitness, goal, goals, grateful, happy, health, healthy, ifbb, life, love, mindful, Positive, progress

Double edged sword

Sometimes I miss competing and the drive, dedication, and feeling of ambition that accompanies it.

Sometimes I miss the restricted eating knowing that if you eat X amount of this you will get these results.

Sometimes I miss said results… The striated shoulders, veins and 6 pack of abs.

But it’s easy to look back and only focus on the aspects that you want to remember.

It’s easy for me to remember the glorified aspects and completely discount what it did to me.

Yes I miss the drive but that tunnel vision made me forget that life is so much more than training, posing and dieting. It made me miss out on social outings, friends, relationships, feelings and creating memories.

Yes I miss the leanness but I sure as hell do not miss feeling hungry All. Of. The. Time. Or constantly freezing, the foggy mind that comes with starvation, the moodiness, the lack of motivation for education, sex, social contact and anything that didn’t entail any object that weighed more than 10kg.

Yes, I miss the restricted eating knowing that what I was putting in my mouth was helping me towards my goals. But I don’t miss the constant clock watching to make sure I ate every meal in exactly 3-hour time slots and completely breaking down if I was 10 minutes over because I would go catabolic (face palm). I don’t miss pulling over on the side of the road and eating cold chicken and veges because I couldn’t possibly wait another hour until I arrived at my destination. I also don’t miss refusing to eat carrots because they contain too much sugar.

I also have to remind myself that my goals back then are almost the polar opposite to what they are now.

I loved competing and the way it made me look. But I love the life I’m leading now and the way it makes me FEEL.

I completely lost my sense of self and who I am as a person. I’m a happy, positive, compassionate and friendly person but midst competition prep I completely lost who I am and the values I hold close to my heart.

Now I’m ambitious and have a sense of drive in other avenues of my life, like my career, something that will continue to make me prosper the more effort I put into.

Now I’m getting results in other avenues of my life, like making new friends, relationships and exploring this new found happiness I had forgotten existed. I have a new found freedom and am tasting foods I have been so afraid of for so long.

Most importantly, I feel like I’m myself again. I am competitive, driven, loving, healthy, friendly and sociable. All these attributes are who I am and I feel alive. I am living.

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