It astounds me how one significant problem in life has the power to catalyst everything else. Like a domino effect. I sometimes feel like there is a radar on my life.. when everything is going on track, every aspect is so instrumentally amazing and fulfilling, that radar goes off and fires bullets into the perfect little world I thought I had created.
It’s quite disabling really. How one aspect in your whole entirety can have the power to cut you down and cripple you, despite the remaining fulfilling factors that are still standing.
It’s easy to get caught up in what you have lost rather than focusing on what still remains. But it’s also hard to focus on what you have when you’re so numb to everything.
Days are lived in a constant state of anxiety. Like a black curtain has been drawn over your eyes and you now see the world a little darker than before. Even the happiest of events still make you feel numb, cold, and alone.
All you want is to go back to how things were. That time where everything was so perfect. Where you feel complete and like your life is a conglomeration – every thing was exactly where it was supposed to be, like pieces of a puzzle fitting so perfectly together, yet so disjointed when apart.
You’re so caught up on reminiscing, remembering what has been that you don’t focus on moving forward. Because, moving forward would mean that it really is done. That it’s not going to get back.
You crave it like a drug. You would do anything and everything to get your fix and to feel that happy and whole again. Nothing else will bring you that high.
There’s a constant lump in your throat. Smiling is foreign to you. When you do laugh you realise how long it’s been and in that moment you feel again. Then you remember the reason why you hadn’t felt in so long and the black curtain comes back down.
Despite that feeling of emptiness and loneliness, I know from previous experience that everything will be okay. I’ve been here before. I’ve been at a point where I though I would never be happy again.
Where I felt like there was no point in going on. Like life would never be the same and nothing could every bring me that sense of enjoyment.
But here I am. Still breathing. And since then I have lived, laughed, cried and laughed some more. Life has been incredibly amazing but it’s also been incredibly broken.
Every time that I thought I could not go on, I did. The bad days got sparse and good days started to dominate again.
I fought for so long to get back to a happy place.
It’s times like this when you need to remind yourself how strong you really are. How many times you have picked yourself up from rock bottom and started over? That’s the beauty of life. It really is a roller coaster of highs and lows, all mixed together on one big ride all in a purposeful manner.
Sometimes, you just have to get through each day and be proud that you did without falling apart.